Keep Your Enemies Closer

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So the Bible tells me not to lie. And it tells me to love my enemies. I think the only solution to the obvious dilemma that comes about when the girl from high school who wouldn't even blink in my direction adds me as a friend on Facebook is a new application that has been in my brilliant head ever since the day I joined Facebook, as a mysterious Belgian man whose only known activity was poking--the "Enemy" application. It's simple really. If someone friends you and you know in your heart of hearts that to call them a friend would be a lie, but you do not want to insult them by refusing any part in their Facebook life, then you can simply turn around and ask them to be your enemy. If they are then insulted by this course of action, they can always choose to decline. And if they don't decline, you can declare to the whole world that, despite the fact that you never want to see this person or even hear their voice ever again, you do have a desire to be connected to them virtually. You do want to see who they spent Friday night at the bar with, and you do want to know what they are doing every moment of every working day. After all, as my grandmother always told me, keep your friends close and your enemies closer.

Terrible actually equals good: A math equation.

Hubcab falling off=Me trying desperately to put it back on=Me failing desperately to put it back on=Nice neighbor offering to help put it back on=Nice neighbor also failing to put it back on=Hubcab still not on=Conversation with nice neighbor=Potential neighbor friend

Too much? Here’s a quick recap. Hubcap=Friend

Hmmm, I think I messed up somewhere in there because my gut is still along the lines of Hubcap=Crap when not actually attached to wheel. You do the math.

I stand people up now

So I accidentally stood up a semi-date because I was, of all places, at church. So I told him, "I was with another guy…you might know Him, His name is God." (Now I have to go back to church to confess that I just lied).

And the best part? I told him I am not usually like that, I never stand people up, and that I would call him on Wednesday to tell him whether or not I could hang out…and then my phone fell off a cliff. I don’t even know his last name to Google him. He would never believe me anyway, because I already could not hang out with him two weekends in a row because I had friends in town, and he thought they were “friends.” Sometimes when you fail, you fail big. As Nkaku and millions of other Amerian men always say, Go Big or Go Home. Does that apply here?